Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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