I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
