I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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