i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
