Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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