my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
