Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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