she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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