I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
