I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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