there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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