the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
