I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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