she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize