I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
