when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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