is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
