thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
