1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
did i walk over a car last night?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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