Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
