Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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