I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
