I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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