i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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