if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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