I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
