Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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