I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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