Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
