I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
