You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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