imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
