I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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