the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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