So drunk its hurt
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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