I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
