sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
