Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize