There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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