im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize