her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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