i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
