As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
