I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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