Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I take back everything I said about communal showers
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
