Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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