im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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