I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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