My underwear smells like fireworks.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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