I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
