New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
