a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
