Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
