eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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