you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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