Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
