You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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