I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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