When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
