Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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