um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
