all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
