Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
