so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
